


Rising In Love

by taegiradar



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Angst, Break Up, Choreographer Lee Know, Falling Out of Love, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentioned Lee Felix (Stray Kids), Not Beta Read, One Shot, Producer Bang Chan, Sad Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-14
Updated: 2020-08-14
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:47:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25899199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taegiradar/pseuds/taegiradar
Summary: Chan loves Minho with his entire being and soul. Chan loves Minho to the ends of the earth. Chan loves Minho.Until he doesn't.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Minho | Lee Know
Comments: 11
Kudos: 40





	Rising In Love

It happens on a cold October night. Chan is sat on the floor, holding a cup of green tea. He takes gentle sips while staring out the window into the city, the bright lights casting shadows in the living room. He has always loved this view. When he first visited this apartment with Minho, they both instantly fell in love with the full length windows, which gave them full view of the sunset every evening. After weeks of apartment hunting, they finally felt like they found the one. The next day, they had signed the contract and bought the place. They were happy to at long last be able to call a place their own.

That was 5 years ago.

Chan looks back at the memories he shared with Minho in these 4 walls. Chan's first big promotion to head producer and director. Minho's breakthrough as a choreographer for the biggest dance company in South Korea. Their first big argument, which ended with tired whispers and promises to be better. Chan has shared so much of himself in this apartment. He has shared so much of himself to Minho.

Maybe that's the reason.

Chan goes to take another sip of his tea, only to realise it's empty. He stares at it for awhile. A small chuckle leaves his lips, but nothing about it amuses him. He thinks about the empty cup, and he thinks about how it mirrored how he feels. Empty. Giving so much of himself away, bit by bit, only to belatedly realise he has nothing left inside of him. He wonders if the universe is playing a sick joke on him. Wonders what he did to deserve this. But maybe just like everything else, Chan will realise it only when it's far too late.

_We don’t say 'rising in love'. In it, there is the idea of the fall._

_See, you've given yourself up. But this is the most powerful thing that can be done: surrender._

_Love is the act of surrender to another person. Total abandonment. I give myself to you. Take me._

And that's what Chan did. He gave himself to Minho, and somewhere along the way, he lost himself. He lost his passions, he lost his drive, he lost his love - for both Minho and himself.

Chan wonders why they also call it _falling_ out of love. Why does love always have to be about falling? Falling out of love feels nothing like how Chan fell in love. Falling in love with Minho was exciting. It was thrilling, it made his heart speed up, it made him see bright colours he has never seen before.

Falling out of love with Minho didn’t feel like anything. The realisation didn’t take him by surprise. It didn't feel like an answer to a question he's been having for the past year. One day, he just realised he wasn't in love with Minho anymore. The next day, he gave Minho a kiss on the lips, left the apartment for work, and came back to Minho with dinner ready on their table. Normal. Just like the thousand days before that.

Chan hated that it felt like nothing. He wanted to scream, to cry, to be so outwardly devastated by the realisation that he will finally have the drive to try and fix it. To figure out answers. To love Minho again. It felt so… unfair. Why did he have to fall out of love? Minho ~~was~~ is everything Chan ever wanted and more. Minho is kind, Minho is giving, Minho loves Chan with the entirety of his being. So why can't Chan do the same? Why can't he love this man, the person he considers his soulmate, forever? Why does everything need to fall apart, as if it was supposed to?

Chan hears their front door unlock. He looks over and Minho enters with a bright smile on his face, one that Chan wishes still sent butterflies to his stomach. Minho spots Chan, still sat on the floor, and gives him a softer smile. A smile reserved only for Chan.

"Hey." Minho drops his bag on the counter, and moves to sit right next to Chan, legs crossed and soft smile still on his lips.

"Hey. How was class?" Chan asks softly, not wanting to break the quietness of the night.

"Like usual. The students are getting a lot better, which is great cause the showcase is in like a month." Minho chuckles, and starts playing with his fingers. A nervous habit. Chan knows that Minho senses something is up. They've known each other too long to not know.

"That's good. Is that Felix kid still having issues?" Chan asks. He has never stepped foot inside one of Minho's classes before, but he knows every little detail about the students in it. Minho treats them all like his own.

"He's definitely getting more confident. Give it a week and he'll realise he's the best in class." Minho sighs. "He reminds me a lot of myself when I was younger. Always in my head, always doubting my abilities, even when everyone told me otherwise." He nudges Chan with his leg. "Even when _you_ told me otherwise."

Chan smiles at that. He was Minho's biggest supporter, and he thinks he still is. Love or not, Chan will always find Minho admirable.

He turns to the younger, and takes in every part of the beauty in front of him. Every little feature that he fell in love with. "Minho…" he begins.

Chan sees a flicker of realisation hit Minho. The younger has always been too perceptive for his own good, and this time is no different.

"Yeah, Channie?" Chan's heart breaks slightly at that. He notices how Minho used his nickname, but Chan didn't.

Chan takes a deep breath. He wonders if he can just lie. If he can just tell Minho he loves him, kiss him goodnight and let this night end like every one before it.

But he can't do that to Minho anymore. It's too cruel.

"I don't think I love you anymore."

Chan studies Minho's face, and shivers when he notices that Minho is still smiling. That same smile he gave Chan after their first kiss. The same smile he gave Chan when they spent their first night in this apartment. The smile that said 'I'm in love with you'.

"I know." Minho reaches out for Chan's hands, enveloping it with his warmth.

"I've known for a while, Channie. I was just waiting till you were ready to say it." Chan looks at their intertwined hands. He doesn't deserve that warmth. He doesn't deserve Minho's love.

"You've loved me for years, Channie. I know everything about you. It'll be stupid of me not to realise that your gazes, your touches, your words… no longer had love behind them. Not the kind we're used to, at least."

Minho is in pain. Chan can see it in the way his hands shake, in the way Minho's eyes aren't entirely focused.

"I'm sorry, Minho." Chan wants to say so much more, he wants to beg Minho to be angry at him. He wants Minho to scream at him, shout hurtful words at him. Give him what he deserves.

"It's okay." Is what Minho says instead.

Chan cries, he sobs and heaves onto Minho's shirt, drenching it in tears. He cries and screams and mumble a thousand more apologies. Minho just holds him, tight and stabilising. He whispers comforting words to Chan, and lets him cry until no more tears can fall.

That night, they still fall asleep on the same bed, and Chan can almost pretend like they're going to wake up and everything will be okay again. Almost.

"Goodnight Channie." Minho mumbles tiredly. "I love you."

That night, Chan doesn't fall asleep. He stays awake, lost in his head, and finally welcomes true pain within him.

And next to him, on the other end of the bed, Minho cries silently, tears rolling down his face with the thought of a final goodbye.

The next day, for the first time in years, Chan doesn't give Minho his morning kiss. He pretends to not notice Minho's red eyes and tear stained cheeks, and they both go about their day, as if everything is okay. That happens everyday, until Chan finally moves out and Minho is left in the big apartment, nothing but silence greeting him every night.

It takes Chan 2 years to find himself again, and it takes Minho 3 to heal his broken heart.

Nothing is okay, not really - but it's as okay as it will ever be.

_So actually, therefore, the course of wisdom, what is really sensible, is to let go, is to commit oneself, to give oneself up and that's quite mad._

_So we come to the strange conclusion that in madness lies sanity._

And in all that madness,

Chan gave too much of himself.

**Author's Note:**

> yes i know its another fic within a week yes i know its another angsty piece no i am not okay ❤️
> 
> anyways i hope u enjoy this one. i love minchan with my entire heart. im sorry i did this to you.
> 
> (please dont give all of yourself to another person. at the end of the day, all you have is yourself. take care of that.)
> 
> say hi on twitter! @eternitytrack


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